Any choice is a failure, a failure, a collapse of other possibilities. Our life consists of a series of such failures. And then we die. What then is the most important thing? Journalist Oliver Burkeman was prompted to answer by Jungian analyst James Hollis.
To tell the truth, I am embarrassed to admit that one of the main books for me is the book of James Hollis «On the most important thing.» It is assumed that advanced readers experience changes under the influence of more subtle means, novels and poems that do not declare their ambitions for life changes from the threshold. But I do not think that the title of this wise book should be taken as a primitive move characteristic of self-help publications. Rather, it is a refreshing directness of expression. “Life is full of trouble,” writes psychoanalyst James Hollis. In general, he is a rare pessimist: numerous negative reviews of his books are written by people who are infuriated by his refusal to energetically cheer us up or give out a universal recipe for happiness.
If I was a teenager, or at least was young, I would also be annoyed by this whining. But I read Hollis at the right moment, a few years ago, and his lyrics have been a cold shower, a sobering slap, an alarm—pick any metaphor for me. It was exactly what I badly needed.
James Hollis, as a follower of Carl Jung, believes that «I» — that voice in our head that we consider ourselves — is actually only a small part of the whole. Of course, our «I» has many schemes that, in his opinion, will lead us to happiness and a sense of security, which usually means a big salary, social recognition, a perfect partner and ideal children. But in essence, the «I», as Hollis argues, is just «a thin plate of consciousness floating on a sparkling ocean called the soul.» The powerful forces of the unconscious have their own plans for each of us. And our task is to find out who we are, and then heed this calling, and not resist it.
Our ideas about what we want from life are quite likely not the same as what life wants from us.
This is a very radical and at the same time humble understanding of the tasks of psychology. It means that our ideas about what we want from life are quite likely not the same as what life wants from us. And it also means that in living a meaningful life, we are likely to violate all our plans, we will have to leave the zone of self-confidence and comfort and enter the area of suffering and the unknown. Patients of James Hollis tell how they finally realized in the middle of life that for years they had been following the prescriptions and plans of other people, society or their own parents, and as a result, every year their life became more and more false. There is a temptation to sympathize with them until you realize that we are all like that.
In the past, at least in this respect, it was easier for humanity, Hollis believes, following Jung: myths, beliefs and rituals gave people more direct access to the realm of mental life. Today we try to ignore this deep level, but when suppressed, it eventually breaks through to the surface somewhere in the form of depression, insomnia or nightmares. «When we have lost our way, the soul protests.»
But there is no guarantee that we will hear this call at all. Many simply redouble their efforts to find happiness along the old, beaten paths. The soul calls them to meet life—but, writes Hollis, and this wording has a double meaning for the practicing therapist, “many, in my experience, do not show up for their appointment.”
At every major crossroads in life, ask yourself, “Will this choice make me bigger or smaller?”
Okay, so what’s the answer then? What is really the most important thing? Don’t wait for Hollis to say. Rather hint. At every important crossroads in life, he invites us to ask ourselves: «Does this choice make me bigger or smaller?» There is something inexplicable about this question, but it has helped me get through several life dilemmas. Usually we ask ourselves: “Will I become happier?” But, frankly, few people have a good idea of what will bring happiness to us or our loved ones.
But if you ask yourself whether you will decrease or increase as a result of your choice, then the answer is surprisingly often obvious. Each choice, according to Hollis, who stubbornly refuses to be an optimist, becomes a kind of death for us. So, when approaching a fork, it is better to choose the kind of dying that elevates us, and not the one after which we will be stuck in place.
And anyway, who said that «happiness» is an empty, vague and rather narcissistic concept — the best measure to measure someone’s life? Hollis cites the caption to a cartoon in which a therapist addresses a client: “Look, there is no question of you finding happiness. But I can offer you a compelling story about your troubles.» I would agree to this option. If the result is a life that makes more sense, then it’s not even a compromise.
1 J. Hollis «What Matters Most: Living a More Considered Life» (Avery, 2009).
Šaltinis: „The Guardian“