«… And they lived happily ever after — because they never saw each other again.» Sometimes what makes a fairy tale happy is not the plot twist we expect. Following the “conventional” scenario—marriage, family, children—can cost us dearly.
They do not come at all to complain about their marriage. What worries them is different psychosomatics, the causes of which are not found by doctors. “I have a headache every evening”, “my back aches”, “I wake up in the morning through force, everything is like a fog”, “cystitis twice a month” — and these are very young women, where does all this come from? Then it turns out: they have a relationship, but sluggish, boring, without fire, without attraction. And then I think: now everything is clear.
When do marriages take place? You will probably answer: when two people realize that they cannot live without each other. Oddly enough, this is not always the case. Then why were they together? Typical answers: “we met for a year and a half, we had to decide something”, “there were no other options, but we seemed to get along normally”, “mother said: as long as you can, get married already, she is a good girl”, “tired of living with parents , there was not enough money for a rented apartment, but together we can afford it.” But why not shoot with a friend? “And if with a girlfriend, it’s inconvenient to bring a guy. And so two hares … «
Often a marriage is concluded when the energy of the relationship has been exhausted or is about to be exhausted. There are no more emotions, but various kinds of “considerations” come into force: it will be more convenient, it’s time, we suit each other, and – the saddest thing – “it’s unlikely that someone else will want me.”
In modern society, there is no longer any economic need to get married, but the Soviet mentality is still very strong. Even in large cities, parents do not approve of the «free» behavior of their daughters, they believe that they are only allowed to live separately with their husbands.
«You will always be small for me!» — how often this is said with pride, but this is rather an occasion to think!
And young people under parental shelter — and this applies to both sexes — live in a subordinate position: they have to follow rules that are not set by them, they are scolded if they come home after the appointed hour, and so on. It seems that it will take not one or two, but several generations before this changes.
And now we are dealing with late infantilism both in children and in parents: the latter do not seem to realize that the child should live his own life and that he has long been an adult. «You will always be small for me!» — how often this is said with pride, but this is rather an occasion to think! Marriage in this situation becomes the only way to the status of an adult. But sometimes you have to pay a high price for this.
Once a 30-year-old woman came to me with severe migraines, from which nothing helped to get rid of. For three years she lived in a civil marriage with a colleague. It was scary to leave: then it was necessary to change jobs, and “he loves me, how can I do this to him”, and “suddenly I won’t find anyone, because I’m no longer a girl …”. Eventually they broke up, she married someone else, and the migraine disappeared as suddenly and for no reason as it appeared.
Our ailments are the message of the body, its protest behavior. What is he up against? Against the lack of joy. If it is not in a relationship, then they are not needed, no matter how suitable or convenient we may seem to each other or, even more so, to those around us.