Turinys
We believe that without romantic love, life has no meaning, because it is the cure for all diseases, the solution to all problems, the driving force of life. But this is debatable.
In 1967, John Lennon wrote a love anthem — the song All You Need is Love («All you need is love»). By the way, he beat his wives, did not care about the child, made anti-Semitic and homophobic remarks about his manager, and once lay naked in bed under the lenses of television cameras for a whole day.
35 years later, Nine Inch Nails’ Trent Reznor wrote the song «Love is Not Enough.» Reznor, despite his notoriety, was able to overcome his drug and alcohol addiction and sacrificed his music career to spend more time with his wife and children.
One of these men had a clear and realistic idea of love, the other did not. One idealized love, the other did not. One may have suffered from narcissism, the other may not.
If love solves all problems, why worry about the rest — it still has to sort itself out somehow?
If, like Lennon, we believe that love is enough, then we tend to ignore such fundamental values as respect, decency and loyalty to those whom we have “tamed”. After all, if love solves all problems, why worry about the rest — it still has to sort itself out somehow?
And while agreeing with Reznor that love alone is not enough, we recognize that healthy relationships require more than intense emotions and passions. We understand that there is something more important than the fever of falling in love, and happiness in marriage ultimately depends on many other factors that are not filmed or sung about.
Here are three truths.
1. LOVE IS NOT EQUALIZED WITH COMPATIBILITY
Just because you fell in love doesn’t mean the person is right for you. People fall in love with those who not only do not share their interests, but are able to destroy their lives. But the belief that the existing «chemistry» is the main thing makes one despise the voice of reason. Yes, he is an alcoholic and spends all his (and your) money in the casino, but this is love and you must be together at all costs.
When choosing a life partner, listen not only to the sensations of fluttering butterflies in your stomach, otherwise hard times will come sooner or later.
2. LOVE DOES NOT SOLVE LIFE’S PROBLEMS
My first girlfriend and I were madly in love. We lived in different cities, our parents were at enmity, we had no money and we constantly quarreled over trifles, but each time we found solace in passionate confessions, because love was a rare gift and we believed that sooner or later she would win.
Although love helps to perceive life’s troubles with optimism, it does not solve them.
However, this was an illusion. Nothing changed, the scandals continued, we suffered from the inability to see each other. Phone conversations lasted for hours, but they made little sense. Three years of torment ended in a break. The lesson I learned from this is that while love can help you be optimistic about life’s troubles, it doesn’t solve them. A happy relationship requires a stable foundation.
3. SACRIFICES FOR LOVE ARE seldom justified.
From time to time, any partners sacrifice desires, needs and time. But if for the sake of love you have to sacrifice self-esteem, ambition, or even a vocation, it begins to destroy you from the inside. Intimate relationships should complement our individuality.
You will be able to take place in love only if something more important than this feeling appears in your life. Love is magic, a wonderful experience, but like any other, this experience can be positive and negative and should not define who we are or why we are here. All-consuming passion should not turn you into your own shadow. Because when this happens, you lose both yourself and love.
About the author: Mark Manson is a blogger.