Women defend their right to loneliness, appreciate it and suffer because of it. In any case, they perceive loneliness as a forced state … which can be used to their advantage.
The days of virtuous girls and broken-hearted old maids are over. The time of business Amazons, who paid with loneliness for a successful career and a high position, has also passed.
Today, different women fall into the category of singles: those who have no one at all, mistresses of married men, divorced mothers, widows, butterfly women fluttering from romance to romance … They have something in common: their loneliness is usually not the result of a conscious choice.
The time of loneliness can be just a pause between two novels, or it can last a long time, sometimes a lifetime.
“There is no certainty in my life,” admits Lyudmila, 32, a press officer. — I like the way I live: I have an interesting job, many friends and acquaintances. But sometimes I spend the weekend at home, telling myself that no one loves me, that no one needs me.
Sometimes I experience delight from my freedom, and then it is replaced by melancholy and despondency. But if someone asks me why I don’t have anyone, it annoys me, and I fiercely defend my right to be alone, although in fact I dream of saying goodbye to him as soon as possible.
Time of suffering
“I’m scared,” admits Faina, 38, the director’s personal assistant. “It’s scary that everything will go on as it goes and no one will ever turn up for me until I get too old.”
Many of our fears are the uncritically perceived legacy of our mothers, grandmothers, and great-grandmothers. “Their belief that a woman feels bad in loneliness in the past had an economic basis,” says family psychologist Elena Ulitova. It was difficult for a woman to feed even herself alone, not to mention her family.
Today, women are economically self-reliant, but we often continue to be guided by the concept of reality learned in childhood. And we behave in accordance with this idea: sadness and anxiety are our first, and sometimes our only reaction to loneliness.
Emma, 33, has been alone for six years; at first she was tormented by persistent anxiety: “I wake up alone, I sit alone with my cup of coffee, I don’t talk to anyone until I get to work. Little fun. Sometimes you feel like you’re ready to do anything to get it over with. And then you get used to it.»
First trip to the restaurant and cinema, the first vacation alone … so many victories won over their embarrassment and shyness
The way of life is gradually changing, which is now built around itself. But the balance is sometimes threatened.
“I’m fine alone, but everything changes if I fall in love without reciprocity,” says 45-year-old Christina. “Then I am tormented by doubts again. Will I be alone forever and ever? And why?»
You can look for the answer to the question «why am I alone?» those around. And draw conclusions from remarks like: “Probably you are demanding too much”, “Why don’t you go somewhere?”
Sometimes they evoke feelings of guilt that are heightened by “hidden humiliation,” according to 52-year-old Tatyana: “The media presents us with a young heroine as an example of a single woman. She is sweet, smart, educated, active and in love with her independence. But in reality, it’s not like that.»
Life without a partner has its price: it can be sad and unfair
After all, a single woman threatens the stability of surrounding couples. In the family, she is entrusted with the responsibility of taking care of old parents, and at work — to close the gaps with herself. In a restaurant, she is sent to a bad table, and at retirement age, if the “old man” can still be attractive, then the “old woman” completely dissolves. Not to mention the biological clock.
“Let’s be honest,” urges 39-year-old Polina. — Up to thirty-five, you can live very well alone, starting novels from time to time, but then the question of children sharply arises. And we are faced with a choice: to be a single mother or not to have children at all.
Understanding time
It is during this period that some women come to the decision to deal with themselves, to find the reason that prevents them from building a long-term relationship. Most often it turns out that these are childhood injuries. A mother who taught men not to be relied upon, an absent father or blindly loving relatives…
Parental relationships play a major role here.
The attitude of an adult woman to living together with a partner is influenced by the image of her father. “It is not uncommon for the father to be ‘bad’ and the mother unfortunate,” remarks Jungian analyst Stanislav Raevsky. “Becoming an adult, the daughter can hardly establish a serious relationship — any man for her is likely to stand on a par with her father, and she will involuntarily perceive him as a dangerous person.”
But still, the main thing is the maternal model, the psychoanalyst Nicole Fabre is convinced: “This is the basis on which we will build our ideas about the family. Was the mother happy as a couple? Or did she suffer, dooming us (in the name of child obedience) to failure where she herself failed?
But even parental love does not guarantee family happiness: it can set a pattern that is difficult to match, or tie a woman to her parental home, making it impossible to break with her parental family.
“Besides, it’s more convenient and easier to live in the father’s house,” adds psychoanalyst Lola Komarova. — A woman starts earning and lives for her own pleasure, but at the same time she is not responsible for her own family. In fact, she remains a teenager even at 40.” The price for comfort is high — it is difficult for «big girls» to create (or maintain) their own family.
Psychotherapy helps to identify unconscious obstacles that interfere with relationships.
30-year-old Marina decided to take this step: “I wanted to understand why I perceive love as an addiction. During therapy, I was able to cope with painful memories of how cruel my father was, and sort out my problems with men. Since then, I perceive loneliness as a gift that I give myself. I take care of my desires and keep in touch with myself, instead of dissolving into someone.
Equilibrium time
When single women understand that loneliness is not something they chose, but also not something that befell them against their will, but simply time that they give to themselves, they regain self-respect and peace.
“I think we should not associate the word ‘loneliness’ with our fears,” says 42-year-old Daria. “This is an unusually productive state. This means not being alone, but finally getting time to be with yourself. And you need to find a balance between yourself real and your image of «I», just as in relationships we are looking for a balance between ourselves and a partner. You need to love yourself. And in order to love yourself, you need to be able to give yourself pleasure, take care of yourself, without becoming attached to someone else’s desires.
Emma recalls the first months of her loneliness: “For a long time I started a lot of novels, leaving one man for another. Until I realized I was running after someone who didn’t exist. Six years ago I rented an apartment alone. At first it was very difficult. I felt like I was being carried by the current and there was nothing to lean on. I found that I didn’t know anything about what I really liked. I had to go to meet myself, and find myself — an extraordinary happiness.
34-year-old Veronika talks about being generous to herself: “After seven years of marriage, I lived four years without a partner — and discovered in myself a lot of fears, resistance, pain, huge vulnerability, a huge sense of guilt. And also strength, perseverance, fighting spirit, will. Today I want to learn how to love and be loved, I want to express my joy, to be generous … «
It is this generosity and openness that those whose acquaintances single women have found themselves pay attention to: “Their life is so happy that there is probably a place in it for someone else.”
Laukimo laikas
Single women balance between loneliness-pleasure and loneliness-suffering. At the thought of meeting someone, Emma worries: “I’m getting stricter on men. I have romances, but if something goes wrong, I end the relationship, because I am no longer afraid to be alone. Ironically, being alone has made me less naive and more rational. Love is no longer a fairy tale.»
“Most of my past relationships have been a disaster,” says Alla, 39, who has been single for five years. — I had many novels without continuation, because I was looking for someone who would «save» me. And finally I realized that this is not love at all. I need other relationships full of life and common affairs. I gave up romances in which I was looking for affection, because each time I came out of them even more devastated. It is difficult to live without tenderness, but patience pays off.”
The calm expectation of a suitable partner is also what 46-year-old Marianna strives for: “I have been single for more than ten years, and now I understand that I needed this loneliness in order to find myself. I have finally become a friend to myself, and I look forward not so much to the end of loneliness, but to a real relationship, not fantasy and not deceit.
Many single women prefer to stay single: they are afraid that they will not be able to set boundaries and protect their interests.
“They would like to receive from a partner both male admiration, and maternal care, and approval of their independence, and there is an internal contradiction here,” Elena Ulitova shares her observations. “When this contradiction is resolved, women begin to look at themselves more favorably and take care of their own interests, then they meet men with whom they can build a life together.”
“My loneliness is both forced and voluntary,” admits 42-year-old Margarita. — It is forced, because I want a man in my life, but voluntary, because I will not give up on him for the sake of any partner. I want love, true and beautiful. And this is my choice: I take the conscious risk of not meeting anyone at all. I allow myself this luxury: to be demanding in love relationships. Because I deserve it.»