„Vyras privalo“: koks tokio požiūrio pavojus?

Men often complain that women are too demanding when choosing a partner. But after the divorce, I realized where the excessive demands on the future husband come from. Nights in tears, fights with an ex, broken hopes — all this forces you to be careful not to make a mistake again. Especially when you are also responsible for children. I want a lot from my future partner and I’m not ashamed to admit it. Here are the five essential qualities I look for in a man:

1. He should be an example for my children

If we start dating, children will become part of our life together. I want them to see in my partner an honest, responsible person, whose words do not differ from deeds. So that he strives to set an example for my boys of a positive and joyful attitude to life.

2. He must not be divorced

Entering into a new relationship immediately after a divorce, people have not yet healed the wounds and view the romantic story as an attempt to escape from heartache. I don’t want to be someone’s refuge from loneliness. Let the man first let go of the past, as I did.

3. It must be open

It is important for me to be able to talk directly about past relationships and hear a frank story from him. I want to understand what the future partner is ready to do for us. To be with him yourself, weak, vulnerable, do not be shy to cry. I am looking for a self-confident man who can also demonstrate weakness, talk about feelings.

Tikras vyras: iliuzija ir realybė

4. He needs to make time for his family.

I appreciate his dedication and career ambitions. But I do not want to connect my life with a workaholic. I need a mature person who is able to find a healthy balance between work and relationships.

5. He mustn’t lie

I am a mother, so I feel great when children cheat. And I will understand that my new acquaintance is hiding the truth about himself. Is he really free, how many women does he date besides me? Does he have bad habits? I want honest answers to my questions.

“A rigid list of requirements leaves no room for compromise”

Tatjana Mizinova, psichoanalitikė

Most divorce survivors have a good idea of ​​what they want out of marriage. What is unacceptable for them and what compromises can be made. Their demands are justified. But, unfortunately, requests for a future partner are often too high.

“He has to take responsibility,” “I don’t want to hear him whine about his past marriage,” the situation becomes hopeless when the word “should” appears. Starting a relationship, adults look at each other, define boundaries, and look for compromises. This is a mutual process in which no one owes anything to anyone. Often, behavioral patterns and an unconscious desire to win back one’s grievances against a past partner are transferred to a new relationship.

If the initiator of the divorce was a man, the woman feels abandoned, betrayed and devalued. She is looking for the perfect life partner to prove to her ex «how wrong he was.» Prove to yourself that you deserve the best, that only the ex-husband is to blame for the divorce.

Unfortunately, a woman does not take into account that a man can also have desires and expectations, and with such a strict list of requirements for a future companion, there is absolutely no room for compromise, which is necessary in every couple.

Another danger of a rigid contract is that circumstances change. A partner can get sick, lose interest in a career, be left without a job, want solitude. Does this mean that the union concluded according to the list of demands will fall apart? Such a possibility is high.

Such high expectations can hide the fear of a new relationship. The fear of failure is not recognized, and the actual flight from the relationship is justified by the search for a partner who meets high standards. But how big are the chances of finding such a “perfect” person?