In a relationship with a child, delicacy and careful approach are as important as firmness and perseverance. How to combine it? A well-known business coach, and part-time — a successful mother and grandmother, Nina Zvereva came up with a kind of cheat sheet on open and trusting relationships between adults and children. From her new book Communication with Children: 12 Do’s, 12 Do’s, 12 Must’s, we have selected a few recommendations.
7 «DO NOT»
1. Don’t say «no» too often.
There are “impossible” things that you cannot do without: you can’t put your finger in the socket, you can’t spit food, you can’t take other people’s things without asking. But any word, if repeated too often, loses its meaning. Many times I have watched with bewilderment and anxiety how mothers and grandmothers, with or without reason, repeat to children and adolescents “it’s impossible.”
“You can’t draw with your finger on the glass of a bus!” Why?! “You can’t take off your hat” — even if it’s not cold at all! “You can’t talk loudly and sing songs” — even if people around don’t mind.
As a result, teenagers rebel against all «not allowed», including reasonable ones, such as the ban on alcohol, drugs, the first sex with a casual partner. So think a thousand times before you ban.
2. Don’t be manipulated
Learn to distinguish between the real problems of the child and those that he demonstrates in order to manipulate adults. It’s not always easy. If a child sheds a tear in the evening and says that he is scared and wants to sleep with his parents, you need to ask yourself the question: is he really afraid? If so, one should try calmly, in a form harmless to the child, to overcome his fear of the dark. Sit nearby, read a book, turn on a night light, listen carefully to the details of terrible dreams, discuss them together.
But if you let your child get into your bed even once because he’s «scared» and you don’t want to deal with it, you’ll only make the problem worse. The child will strive with all his might to repeat his “success”.
3. You can not change the style of communication
Everything in our family is built on trust and independence. There are other families where every step of the child is controlled. Responsible and serious people also grow up in such families. In general, any communication style is good if it is supported by all family members and accepted as the only possible one.
But what is definitely impossible is to switch from one style to another. Parents should once and for all agree with each other on the main principles of communication with children and try never to deviate from them.
4. You can not offend
I would prohibit the use of many words and phrases in communication with children. Such as: «You will never become …», «You will never achieve …» and in general all such «never». Some “always” sound no less offensive: “You are always late, you cheat, you eat dinner without even looking at other family members, you forget about your lessons,” etc.
Such accusations sound like a sentence and leave no chance for correction. Childhood grievances against parents remain painful memories for life. That is why it is better to think twice before reprimanding a child and apologize a thousand times if you accidentally offended him.
5. You can not talk about the child in his presence to other people
For parents, there is nothing more important and interesting than their own child. I would like to discuss his successes and problems with friends, but in the presence of a teenager, say to a stranger: “We had a first love,” and you can lose your child’s trust forever.
Many adults told me that they still remember how their parents tortured them by forcing them to read poetry on a stool or showing diaries with fives to friends. The violent demonstration of success hurts because it was not achieved for strangers at all. And, of course, it is not permissible to give out childish secrets, even if they are naive and funny. This can be seen as a real betrayal.
6. You can not decide for the child
Oh, how difficult it is! We think we know him better than himself. We know who to be friends with, what sport to do, what university to enter. Happiness, if our knowledge coincides with the desires of the child. Well, if not?
The world is changing so quickly and unpredictably that the most correct parenting strategy now is maximum attention to the desires and needs of the child himself. It is necessary to give him rights, including the right to make a mistake. It is necessary to help him achieve only those goals that he sets for himself.
7. You can not demand «percentage» on deposits in a child
Parents like to say: “I am for you … (further — options), and you … (further — also options)”. If you decide to make sacrifices on the altar of your child’s happiness (give up career, cancel vacation, get divorced, move to another city, spend a lot of money), try to remember that this is only your decision. And the responsibility for it lies only with you.
7 «POSSIBLE»
1. You can not hide your weaknesses
Everyone has their weaknesses and shortcomings. Whether you try to hide them or not, children notice everything. How many times have I seen parents who talked exclusively about their successes and cited their modest hard life as a role model. Nevertheless, parents who know how to laugh at themselves and do not hide their shortcomings are always closer to their children and enjoy real respect. Self-irony is the lot of strong and attractive personalities.
2. You Can Cultivate Ambition
Ambition is not necessarily leadership. This is self-confidence, the ability and desire to take responsibility for the decisions made and to bring what has been started to the end. Finally, it is the willingness to take risks and work harder than others. «You can!» is the motto of good parents. But we must also try to make the child believe in himself and want to be successful.
Create situations for the little man to succeed. Likes drawing? Homemade holiday cards will be a surprise for grandparents. Does he run well? Compete with him and do not give in, otherwise the victory will not be real.
3. You can talk about the past day. And in general — to talk
«Let’s talk about it». This formula only works if there is really something to talk about. Otherwise, I’m afraid, sincere monologues will be replaced by the usual reports. But conversations are needed! Sometimes — long, with tears, with details, as they say, in a circle.
A child’s trust is very fragile. You can’t pressure, lecture, refer to your experience, because the child is sure that his problems are exceptional. I think the main goal of conversations with a child is still support and love. Love and support. Sometimes he just needs to speak up and cry, and not get your advice. Although advice is sometimes needed.
Of course, you can’t load children with unnecessary information, especially very personal information. It is necessary to reduce to a minimum all negative statements addressed to relatives and friends. Information must be dosed, but what you tell should be truly important to you.
You can talk about problems at work. You can complain that you don’t feel well. You can consult with the child which dress is better to wear. You can worry aloud at the mirror about the first wrinkles or early gray hair …
But you never know what topics that are important to you, you can frankly discuss with your child! Believe me, children really appreciate such moments. This is how mutual trust arises — the foundation of true friendship with children for many years.
5. You can help in serious matters
It seems to me that the serious intervention of parents in the life of a child is justified in two cases — when a problem arises that threatens life and health, and when a real dream appears that is difficult to fulfill without the support of adults. For example, a girl starts dancing as soon as she hears music, dreams of ballet. We need to check — what if there is data?
Or the child was dragged into bad company. Collect information and, if you are sure that the situation is really dangerous, you need to intervene! Up to moving to another part of the city. I have known cases like this. The most interesting thing is that the grown children were then very grateful to their parents for this act.
6. You can define household chores
Controversial question. I know many examples when a girl was not accustomed to housework and sewing, but, having matured, she became a cook and needlewoman no worse than her mother. In our family, it was customary for children to know their duties around the house well and strictly fulfill them.
I think it’s good for kids to have constant chores around the house because it gives them the opportunity to feel real respect from their parents. In addition, the need to combine good studies at school, meeting friends, visiting sections and circles with household chores involuntarily teaches them to value time and distribute it correctly.
7. You can spend money on children’s «nonsense»
Adults sometimes find it very difficult to understand a child. Oh those horrible green candies, endless chips and soda! Why do kids want all these nasty things?! In our family, there is such a rule: if you want — this is very important, this should be taken seriously. However, our wallet has a bottom, so we need to talk with the child about this: warn in advance that the money will be wasted and this purchase means it is impossible to buy something else later, more, in your opinion, valuable.
I advise giving children pocket money so that they understand that you cannot buy endlessly.
5 «SHOULD»
1. You have to get used to the idea that life has changed forever.
The birth of a child is an extremely responsible step. A tiny creature absolutely depends on you in everything. A lot of mistakes are made just because new parents want to live as before and, in addition to this, receive joy and fun in the form of a baby. It’s impossible.
I know many examples when people, having given birth to a child, do not want to change their habits and get annoyed if they have to do it. Even if you try to solve the problem with the help of a XNUMX-hour nanny, sooner or later the child will still show his rights. And most importantly, what he has the right to be the meaning of life for his parents. No more and no less.
2. We need to create opportunities
If you do not give the child to try many options, how will he be able to discover his talents? Music, dancing, sports, literature… Going to clubs and swimming pools can be exhausting, but they are necessary! You cannot know in advance what the child will react to with his whole being! At the same time, all other attempts to find oneself will not be in vain, after them strong impressions and useful skills will remain.
3. Needs must be developed
A sad sight — young people who do not need anything from life. For some, a few bottles of beer are enough, for others it is enough to surf the Internet for the whole day. To all proposals to somehow diversify their lives, these people shrug their shoulders and shake their heads negatively. It’s a shame, because sometimes they just don’t know what they’re missing. Nobody showed them another world.
But it is the duty of parents to develop needs. For example, the need to read good books. Or the need for good music, which is difficult to acquire as an adult if there was no family tradition of attending concerts. But any cultural event with a child must be thought out so that it is not a punishment, but a joy, a shock.
4. Gotta love
Love for children is, first of all, the time spent with them, and at the same time, the amount is not so important. More important is quality. If you are with children, then be with them! And always, absolutely always, be on the side of the child, even if he committed a misconduct. The love of parents is an incomparable support in life. This is the rear that every person should have.
5. You have to accept friends
Make friends with those your child is friends with. Let the doors of your house be open for his friends even when you are not there and you cannot, as they say, control the process. Not all parents are ready for this.
But there are other options as well. For example, you can invite your children’s friends to the dacha, or even better, go hiking. There, every person is seen through and through, and most importantly, your child in such a situation looks at his parents through the eyes of his friends and makes incredible conclusions, one of which is this: his parents are interesting people, it is interesting to communicate with them.