Turinys
Children who show aggression, dare and do everything in defiance, are called difficult. They are punished, educated or taken to psychologists, but the reason often lies in the nervous or depressed state of the parents, says Whitney R. Cummings, an expert in child behavior problems.
Children who do not control their behavior well, are prone to aggression and do not recognize the authority of adults, create a large number of problems for their parents, teachers and everyone around them. Whitney Cummings specializes in behavior modification, childhood trauma and foster care. This activity taught her to calmly respond to other people’s actions (including children’s) and not to lose self-control.
In addition, she realized how important it is to take care of herself in order to cope with parental responsibilities. Our emotional instability is always reflected in relationships with children. First of all, this concerns teachers and parents (family and adopted) of «difficult» children, whose heightened perception needs a special approach. According to the expert, she was convinced of this from her own experience.
For a heart-to-heart talk you need strength
Whitney R. Cummings, Child Behavior Specialist, Author, Box in the Corner
A few weeks ago, so many misfortunes befell me that I was completely unable to give proper attention to my adopted daughter. She was always more vulnerable than our two own children, but we did everything possible so that she did not feel the difference. We didn’t want her to know that it takes more strength, patience, empathy and emotional energy. In most cases, we succeeded.
She did not suspect that we stay up late at night, discussing her behavior and thinking over the strategy of our actions for tomorrow. She did not notice how we closed in the kitchen to catch our breath and calm down. She really didn’t realize how painful her past trauma is in our hearts, especially when we see her reliving it again in nightmares and sudden tantrums. She didn’t know anything, just like we wanted.
She is our child. And that’s all she needed to know. But numerous troubles deprived me of optimism, and she finally realized how difficult it is for me to be given the role of a good mother. It became clear to her that she was being treated differently from the other two children. For three weeks I had such an emptiness inside that I simply could not be patient, energetic and understanding.
If earlier I used to bend down to look into her eyes, and spoke in an affectionate tone, trying to figure out what had happened, now I got off with short phrases and did almost nothing. I had nothing to give her, and she noticed it. It’s not that now the native children got more attention. I couldn’t give anything to any of them. I didn’t even have the energy to answer a text or a phone call.
How, pray tell, can I have a heart-to-heart talk about a boy she likes at six o’clock in the morning, if I haven’t slept more than ten hours all week?
My own children were not particularly upset about my sudden incapacity. They didn’t need daily care. They went to school on their own in the mornings and did not worry that instead of a normal lunch they were fed chicken nuggets and sweets, that it was time for bed, and there was a pile of linen on their beds. They were upset that I was crying all day, but they were not angry with me. They did not respond to the lack of parental attention with daring antics.
With the adopted daughter, everything was different. She was irritated by my constant tears. The absence of a full meal that day in a row unsettled her. She was angry that things were scattered all over the house. She needed consistency, balance, care, which I could never provide. I used to be able to satisfy almost all the emotional needs of a girl.
If we are weighed down by difficult experiences, we are not able to properly care for a difficult child.
Her supply of love was 98% filled by my efforts, and now it is almost depleted. I couldn’t bring myself to sit down and have a heart to heart talk with her or take her out for ice cream. I didn’t want to cuddle and hold her close, I didn’t want to read books at night. I understood How long she missed this, but I could not help myself.
In other words, she felt bad because I felt bad. I knew that my sorrows would not last forever, and soon I would be able to take care of her as before. My emotions (and behavior) gradually returned to normal, but the process that psychologists call the “learning curve” requires mutual participation. In theory, I should have grieved, knowing that she would not put pressure on my pain points, and she should have been patient, knowing that I would not leave her. It is very difficult.
If I seized on this thought and accepted it as an indisputable truth, I would very soon lose the status of a foster mother. It is essential to be healthy in every sense to put the needs of the child before your desires, but this is almost impossible when you cannot focus on your own needs. However, self-interest is not selfishness, but a vital necessity.
First our needs, then the needs, desires and whims of our children. If we find ourselves in emotional survival mode, we only have enough strength to think about ourselves all day long. We must acknowledge this and think about our own problems: only in this way can we take the next step.
Of course, my situation is very different from what most emotionally unstable parents have to deal with. But the principles are the same. If we are weighed down by a load of difficult experiences, if unprocessed psychological clamps occupy all thoughts and do not allow us to control emotions, we are not able to take care of a difficult child normally. His unhealthy behavior requires a healthy response on our part.