Everyone has experienced jealousy at least once in their life. But for some, it becomes an obsession. Clinical psychologist Yakov Kochetkov tells where the border between normal and pathological jealousy lies and how to reduce the severity of the experience.
— Imagine, he likes her again! And only her!
Did you tell him to stop?
— Not! If he stops, how will I know who he likes?
Psychological studies of jealousy are not very popular with specialists. Jealousy is not considered a clinical problem, except for its pathological form — delusions of jealousy. Moreover, in many cultures, jealousy is an indispensable attribute of “true” love. But how many relationships are destroyed because of jealousy.
The dialogue I heard reflects important features of thinking that are found in representatives of both sexes. We now know from research that jealous people tend to misinterpret certain signals as signs of possible infidelity. It can be a like on a social network, random words or a glance.
This does not mean that jealous people always invent. Often there are grounds for jealousy, but the imagination acts on the principle of “burned on milk, blowing on water” and makes you pay attention to completely innocent events.
This vigilance arises from the second important feature of the jealous mindset—basic negative beliefs about self and others. “Nobody needs me, they will definitely leave me.” Add to this «No one can be trusted» and you will understand why it is so difficult for us to admit the thought of attention to someone else.
The higher the stress in family relationships, the more questions and suspicions arise, the higher the likelihood of infidelity.
If you notice, I say «we». Jealousy is common to all of us, and we all experience it from time to time. But it becomes a chronic problem when additional ideas and actions are added. In particular, the idea that constant vigilance is important, and weakening it will lead to an undesirable result. “If I stop thinking about it, I will relax, and I will definitely be deceived.”
Actions join these ideas: constant monitoring of social networks, checking phones, pockets.
This also includes the constant desire to start a conversation about treason, in order to once again hear from the partner a refutation of their suspicions. Such actions not only do not dispel, but, on the contrary, reinforce the original ideas — «If I’m on the alert and he (a) doesn’t seem to be cheating on me, then we must continue, not relax.» Moreover, the higher the stress in family relationships, the more questions and suspicions arise, the higher the likelihood of infidelity.
From all of the above, there are a few simple ideas that will help reduce the severity of the experience of jealousy.
- Stop checking. No matter how hard it is, stop looking for traces of betrayal. And after a while, you will feel that it is easier to endure uncertainty.
- Talk to your partner about your feelings, not your suspicions. Agree, the words “I don’t like it when you like your ex, I ask you to understand my feelings” sound better than “Are you dating her again ?!”.
- Consult a psychologist to change deep-seated beliefs: even if you are being cheated on, this does not mean that you are a bad, worthless or unnecessary person.