„Išmokykite vaikus valdyti emocijas“

Children express emotions openly. They laugh so contagiously that those around them can’t help but smile. They are overjoyed when they succeed for the first time. In anger, they throw things, act up if they don’t get what they want, sob when it hurts. Not all adults know how to respond to this range of emotions.

We understand the damage our parents unwittingly did to us — they wanted the best for us, but they neglected our feelings because they did not learn how to manage their own. Then we ourselves become parents and realize what a difficult task we have to do. How to respond to the emotions of children, so as not to harm? The problems they cry over seem ridiculous to us. When children are sad, I want to hug them, when they are angry, I want to yell at them. Sometimes you want your kids to stop being so emotional. We are busy, there is no time to comfort them. We have not learned to accept our emotions, we do not like to experience sadness, anger and shame, and we want to protect children from them.

It is more correct not to forbid yourself emotions, but to allow yourself deep feelings, listen to your feelings and respond adequately to them. Leslie Greenberg, professor of psychology at the University of York and author of Emotionally Focused Therapy: Teaching Clients to Deal with Feelings, says emotional intelligence is the secret.

People with high emotional intelligence know how to manage emotions and get rid of them in time. This is what parents should teach. Three exercises to help develop emotional intelligence in children.

1. Name and explain the emotion

Help your child describe the situation and the emotions it evokes. Sympathize. It is important for children to know that they are understood. Explain that it is normal to have these feelings.

For example, the eldest son took away a toy from the youngest. The younger is hysterical. You can say, “You are crying because your brother took your car away from you. You are sad about this. If I were you, I’d be upset too.»

2. Understand your own feelings

How would you like to respond to your child’s experiences? What does this say about you and your expectations? Your personal reaction to the situation should not turn into a reaction to the feelings of the child. Try to avoid this.

For example, a child is angry. You are also angry and want to yell at him. But don’t give in to the impulse. Stop and think about why the child behaves this way. You can say, “You’re mad because your mom won’t let you touch this. Mom does this because she loves you and doesn’t want you to get hurt.»

Then think about why a fit of childhood anger made you angry. Do you feel like your child is rejecting you as a parent? Does screaming and noise annoy you? Did it remind you of some other situation?

3. Teach your child to express emotions adequately

If he is sad, allow him to cry until the sadness passes. Perhaps emotions will roll in waves several times. If the child is angry, help express the anger with words or physical activity such as jumping, running, squeezing a pillow. You can say, “I understand that you are angry. This is fine. It’s not okay to hit your brother. How can you express anger in another way?”

By teaching your child emotional intelligence, you improve the quality of his life. He will be sure that his feelings are important, and the ability to express them will help build close friendships, and then romantic relationships, cooperate more effectively with other people and focus on tasks. Emotional intelligence will protect him from addictions—unhealthy ways of coping—in adulthood.

Do not stop developing your own emotional intelligence — this will be the best gift for your child. The better you understand and express your feelings, the more successful you are in teaching your child to do the same. Reflect on how you deal with strong emotions: anger, shame, guilt, fear, sadness, and how you can change how you react.